Having Death-Positive Conversations During the Holidays
The holidays gather us around tables, memories, and people we don’t always get uninterrupted time with. They also have a way of bringing mortality close—through absent chairs, aging bodies, strained relationships, or quiet realizations that time is moving.
For those of us drawn to death-positive living, the holidays can feel like an opening. A chance to talk honestly about death, dying, grief, and end-of-life wishes.
But how do you have those conversations without turning dinner into a funeral?
Death-positive conversations don’t have to be heavy, clinical, or frightening. They can be gentle. Curious. Loving. Even quietly life-affirming.
Why the Holidays Can Be a Natural Time
Death already lives in the room during the holidays—whether we acknowledge it or not. We feel it in:
Stories about loved ones who’ve died
Noticing how parents or grandparents have changed
Traditions that feel different than they used to
A heightened awareness of time passing
Rather than forcing a conversation, you can follow the threads that are already there.
Start With Curiosity, Not Corrections
You don’t need to “educate” anyone or convince them of anything.
Instead of:
“You should really have an advance directive.”
Try:
“Have you ever thought about what you’d want if you were really sick someday?”
Curiosity invites conversation. Correction shuts it down.
Use Story as a Soft Entry Point
Stories create safety. You might share:
Something you learned through your death work
A story about a meaningful death or funeral you’ve witnessed
A moment that changed how you think about mortality
Example:
“I once sat with someone at the end of their life who found so much peace once their wishes were known. It really stuck with me.”
Stories open doors without demanding anyone walk through them.
Let the Conversation Be Incomplete
One of the biggest myths about death conversations is that they need to be finished.
They don’t.
A single question, a brief reflection, or even a shared silence counts. You can always come back to it another time.
Planting the seed is enough.
Respect Boundaries (Including Your Own)
Not everyone will be ready—and that’s okay.
If someone changes the subject, jokes it away, or says they don’t want to talk about it:
Believe them
Thank them for their honesty
Let it rest
Death-positive practice is rooted in consent and compassion, not persuasion.
And if you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to pause too.
Practical, Gentle Questions You Can Ask
If the moment feels right, try:
“What traditions feel most important to you as you get older?”
“Have you ever thought about how you’d want to be remembered?”
“What brings you comfort when you think about death—if anything?”
“Is there anything you’d want us to know if something unexpected happened?”
These questions focus on values, not logistics.
Remember: This Is an Act of Love
Talking about death is not morbid. It is deeply human.
When we speak honestly about death, we:
Reduce fear through familiarity
Create clarity instead of crisis
Honor one another’s autonomy
Strengthen trust and connection
Death-positive conversations aren’t about preparing for the worst.
They’re about caring well—for each other, and for the living moment we’re in right now.
If the holidays offer you even a small opening for that kind of care, it’s worth honoring.
